She was his second choice on ‘Love is Blind’ – can a relationship survive that?
Being someone’s “second choice” is never easy. Just ask contestants on Netflix’s “Love is Blind.”
The reality show asks people to date, fall in love and possibly get engaged, sight unseen, after chatting through divided “pods.” On the latest season released this month, Mason has feelings for two women he dates, Madison and Meg. After Mason told Madison he was committing to her, she ended things with him in favor of her other suitor Alex. When Mason tried to double back and make it work with Meg, she wasn’t having any of it. She knew she was his second choice and shared he never affirmed her feelings.
“I’ll never know if what you’re saying is true… ” she said. “And I’m not gonna be able to get past that.”
Therapists say it’s natural to have all kinds of feelings about your partner’s past relationships, but it doesn’t mean your current relationship is doomed, either. It’s all about finding the love that works for you to both give and receive.
“There is a distinction between being able to feel loved by someone new in your life who has a relationship past and feeling ranked by your perceived place in that person’s life,” says Laura Petiford, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Ultimately, if someone isn’t receiving love in the ways that are meaningful to them in a relationship, the relationship will reflect this negativity.”
‘You may be exaggerating’
Take a step back for a second. “Love is Blind” is not real life. “Reality TV often heightens dynamics and creates circumstances we wouldn’t encounter otherwise,” says Kimberly Vered Shashoua, a licensed clinical social worker. “How often are we trapped in boxes and then have to rank our choices? Hopefully, that is a once-in-a-lifetime dynamic.”
That said, if you’re feeling like someone’s second choice, consider where that’s coming from. Is this something you know for a fact, or “what actions or words have led to this conclusion being drawn?” Petiford asks. Also, “is it something unique to the relationship that both partners can work at resolving? Or does one partner have some individual work to do to resolve past relationship trauma?”
Comparison, too, is at the root of many issues. “It’s tempting to compare your relationship to a relationship you think your partner had in the past,” says Amy Morin, psychotherapist, author of “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” and the host of a podcast. “But it’s important to remember that you don’t have first-hand knowledge about their true connection. You may be exaggerating how close they were or you may be convincing yourself that your current relationship doesn’t measure up.”
It’s more than OK – in fact, expected – for your romantic partners to have past relationships. But the only way to know the truth is to talk it all out. “If you are hesitant to have those conversations or don’t trust your partner to provide honest answers, that’s already a problem that you shouldn’t ignore,” Shashoua adds.
Don’t ‘drive a wedge’ in your current relationship
Talking it out means a relationship must sit on a solid foundation of trust. That’s especially true if you know you are indeed a “second choice.”
“Generally, a person‘s level of self-awareness, self-esteem and self image would all play a role in their ability to cope with the initial challenges of entering a relationship of this nature, knowing they were not the first choice,” says Cecille Ahrens, licensed clinical social worker. “This could also apply to the person doing the choosing. In this person’s case, they might also have to work through their own questions and doubts about their choice, and any residual feelings about their ‘first choice.'”
Harping on this issue, though, could hurt your relationship more than it helps. “You might find that you’re the one thinking about your partner’s ex all the time and they’re not actually thinking about it much at all,” Morin says. “But if you can’t move on, you’ll drive a wedge between the two of you.”
Try and find a balance between hashing out your feelings and just living your life. Being someone’s “second choice” may not be such a bad thing, after all.
“If you have a healthy relationship now and your partner is fully committed to the relationship moving forward, you may be fortunate to be getting this version of them,” Morin adds. “In another time of your lives, the relationship may not have worked out.”
